“Your Body, My Choice!” Matt Damon Goes Wild as a Boozy Brett Kavanaugh in SNL’s Most Chaotic Cold Open Yet – War, Abortion, and Three Power-Drunk Bros Unleashed!
In one of the most unhinged cold opens in recent Saturday Night Live history, Matt Damon returned to the stage like a man possessed, reprising his iconic portrayal of Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh. The episode, which Damon himself hosted on May 9, 2026, kicked off with a boozy bar scene that pulled no punches, blending sharp political satire, crude drinking jokes, and jaw-dropping one-liners that left audiences gasping and laughing in equal measure.
The sketch begins with Colin Jost’s Pete Hegseth — Trump’s Secretary of Defense — slumping at the bar, complaining about the lack of drinking buddies in the administration who can keep up with his hard-partying ways. Enter Damon’s Kavanaugh, loud, disheveled, and clutching a gavel, immediately ordering a “six-three decision” — six beers and three shots of Jameson. The chemistry is instant and chaotic. Hegseth boasts, “Dude, can you believe I just started a war?” Kavanaugh fires back without missing a beat: “Can you believe I ended abortion? Your body, my choice!” The line lands like a grenade, twisting the famous pro-choice slogan into a darkly comedic victory cry.
Moments later, Aziz Ansari joins the fray as FBI Director Kash Patel, bringing his signature high-energy chaos. Patel proudly displays his own branded bourbon, joking about how surreal it is for the head of the FBI to have a liquor line. The trio — now dubbed the “Three Drunkmen of the Apocalypse” — trades stories about their power plays: starting conflicts abroad, reshaping domestic policy, and even hinting at bending constitutional rules for a potential third Trump term. Kavanaugh dramatically reveals what looks like a gerrymandered map before admitting it’s his failed field sobriety test.
What makes this sketch hit so hard is its timing. With real-world headlines swirling around the Trump administration’s bold moves — from foreign policy escalations to cultural flashpoints — SNL turns these powerful figures into stumbling, celebratory bar flies. Damon’s Kavanaugh is equal parts frat boy and furious jurist, banging his gavel for another round while lamenting the “male loneliness epidemic” between shots. The humor walks a razor’s edge: hilarious for some, outrageously offensive for others.
The cold open culminates in the three men drunkenly singing Chumbawamba’s “Tubthumping,” turning personal scandals and policy wins into an absurd drinking anthem. It’s classic SNL — timely, fearless, and willing to alienate as much as it entertains. Damon, who flew in last-minute to revive the role he originated in 2018, delivered a performance that felt both nostalgic and dangerously fresh.
In an era of polarized politics, this sketch reminds us why live satire still matters. It doesn’t just mock individuals; it holds up a funhouse mirror to power itself — showing what happens when serious authority figures let loose in a world that increasingly feels like one long, unpredictable happy hour. Whether you cheer or cringe, one thing is clear: SNL just served up a Mother’s Day weekend cold open no one will forget anytime soon.
