No one goes into a Netflix Christmas rom-com and expects to have their world shattered by the sheer magnitude of artistic integrity that is laid out before them. These are usually cheap, superficial, and stiffly-written tales of middle-class white people getting swoony (but never, ever having sex) in a small, snowy town. Still, that doesn’t mean you can’t derive any enjoyment out of them. Vanessa Hudgens has become a face of yuletide romance for the streamer, and while her fantastical twist, The Knight Before Christmas, is as American cheese as you can get, the odd romance between her small-town teacher and a 14th-century British knight is worth the cringe. Another poster girl for this section of Netflix’s catalog is Lindsay Lohan. When it was first announced that the star would headline 2022’s Falling for Christmas, it was met with widespread excitement, less for the plot or finished project but because Lohan was staging something of a comeback. But it turned out that we had every right to be excited about the movie itself, with it being a perfect blend of humor, romance, and Lohan’s star power.
Lohan’s latest holiday romance for the streamer, Our Little Secret, seems to think it’s slightly above its twee comrades in that it has more of an edge, focusing on a series of embarrassing faux pas for its two leads (Lohan and Ian Harding) rather than developing a gushing romance between them. It catches itself in the middle of the Christmas spectrum. It in no way has the standard of writing to place it alongside the likes of The Family Stone (of which it is very reminiscent), but it doesn’t fully let itself get lost in the oogey-gooey Hallmark romance that we all pretend to hate. This middle ground makes it a stiff, poorly written comedy that is somewhat saved by the performances of its two leads.
‘Our Little Secret’ Stars Lindsay Lohan and Ian Harding as Exes
The movie’s recurring issue of bypassing very necessary backstory is immediately apparent. We’re asked to invest in the childhood friendship turned romance between Logan (Harding) and Avery (Lohan). Instead of seeing their relationship blossom throughout their teens and 20s, we get a quick animation recount with narration from Avery’s father (Henry Czerny). The two fall in love and are by each other’s side through college, new jobs, and the death of Avery’s mother. It cuts to live-action in 2014 when Avery is leaving for a job in London, and in a bid to make her stay, Logan stages a very ill-timed proposal that no one, not even their families, thinks is the right move. It ends in an explosive argument and breakup, and the two don’t talk for nearly a decade.
In the present day, Avery is a high-flying business consultant, and Logan is a property developer whose creative integrity is diminished by his money-hungry boss. Avery is dating Cam (Jon Rudnitsky), an emotionally distant mama’s boy, and Logan is in a relationship with the superficial Cassie (Katie Baker). They’re both spending the holidays with their partners’ family and while Avery is sweating over meeting Cam’s overbearing mother, Erica (Kristin Chenoweth doing more than the entire supporting cast put together), that’s the least of her worries. It isn’t until they’re face-to-face at a Christmas party do they realize that Cassie and Cam are siblings.
‘Our Little Secret’s Dialogue Is Stiff and Robotic
I’d be remiss to review Our Little Secret without spotlighting one of the weirdest choices I’ve seen a movie make in some time. It’ll take you several minutes to get your head around the confounding opening credits to Calvin Harris’s “Summer” (the perfect tune to open a Christmas movie!), which feels the need to highlight the major cultural events of the past decade and yet ignores the most impactful event of the century. Yes, we are shown how Beyond Meat has taken grocery stores by storm and Netflix’s shameless self-marketing all for the movie to completely ignore the Covid pandemic. If you want to give this movie a fair shot, do yourself a favor and skip this entire sequence.
Our Little Secret does have an inherently fun idea at its core, but it’s not one strong enough to bypass the movie’s blatant disregard for dialogue. In the most dramatic moments, whether it’s a character admitting to infidelity or professing their undying love for someone, Hailey DeDominicis forgoes any attempt to make these characters talk like real humans. Conversations that would’ve made for funny exchanges are reduced to one-sided phone calls or not shown at all. When it feels like a character should have an entire monologue, they’re asked to do a Princess Di look of melancholia only for their scene partner to nod in understanding. That’s great that you get it, but the audience could do with at least a few sentences!
Lindsay Lohan and Ian Harding Give Great Performances But Don’t Have Romantic Chemistry
Despite the material doing nothing to aid their performances, Lindsay Lohan and Ian Harding are easily the best things about this film. Lohan is channeling her Mean Girls performance in that most of Our Little Secret sees her getting into the most ridiculous situations and scrambling to try to cover them up. With Erica as her Regina George, Lohan plays Avery as equal parts uptight and terrified of what people think of her (in a very similar vein to Sarah Jessica Parker’s lead in The Family Stone) and kind of an idiot who is followed by embarrassment and misfortune every which way she turns. From getting high at church to eating an ungodly amount of cookies and blaming it on Erica’s dog, Avery’s awkwardness and many indiscretions are more enjoyable to watch than just about anything else the movie offers.
Ian Harding is basically playing Pretty Little Liars ’ Ezra again (but thankfully not making a minor the object of his affections) and it works well within the chaos of the script. When things get a bit too ridiculous and slapstick, Ezra’s Logan is the affable, grounded, and charming source of practicality that brings the film back down to earth. It’s unfortunate, then, that these two great performances can’t be used to generate what every romance movie lives or dies on: chemistry.Our Little Secret might have been able to commit itself to being a better comedy if it didn’t revolve around their romance. The film’s blowing by of their shared history which is constantly referred back to makes it difficult to invest in them getting back together. Their love story is completely unearned and despite the two’s sparring and at-odds dynamic making for some amusing moments, it always feels overwhelmingly platonic.
Nothing can be said for the remaining cast as they fill in some of the most underwritten characters the streamer has ever brought to life, except for Chenoweth. It’s a role made for her and despite the subpar writing, she sinks her teeth and makes this one-dimensional villain into a wicked delight. (That pun counts as my daily exercise of holding space.)
Our Little Secret fails as a romance and as a movie featuring dialogue that resembles real life. Still, it very much succeeds in being a showcase for Lindsay Lohan’s comedic timing and Ian Harding’s natural charisma. A movie that sees the pair playing siblings trying to survive the shenanigans of a holiday family reunion would surely use their abilities to greater effect. In comparison to Lohan’s inaugural Netflix romance, in which she has some palpable chemistry with Chord Overstreet, Our Little Secret won’t give you the swoony romantic allure that we all crave this time of year. Come for Lohan, stay for Harding, and watch until the end for Kristin Chenoweth — all while ignoring some of the most robotic dialogue your ears ever heard.
Our Little Secret comes to Netflix on November 27.
