Late-night television’s sharpest tongue, Stephen Colbert, went full scorched-earth on Donald Trump this week, and the internet is still picking up the pieces. In a blistering ten-minute monologue that’s already racked up millions of views, the Late Show host tore into the former (and possibly future) president for two things that, when said out loud in the same breath, sound like a fever dream cooked up by a Bond villain with a subprime lender on speed dial: turning the White House into a gaudy gold-plated palace and floating the idea of 50-year mortgages for American homebuyers.

Yes, you read that right. Fifty. Year. Mortgages. Your grandkids might still be paying off the house you bought in 2025.

Colbert opened with the low-hanging fruit everyone saw coming: Trump’s apparent inability to enter a room without demanding it be dipped in gold leaf. “Folks,” he began, eyes wide in mock awe, “Donald Trump looked at the White House – a building literally designed to project quiet, dignified power – and said, ‘Not enough bling.’ He wants to slather it in gold like he’s turning 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue into the world’s most overcompensating Trump Tower knockoff.”

The studio audience howled as Colbert rolled a montage that’s been circulating on social media for days: old clips of Trump’s private jets with gold seatbelt buckles, gold-trimmed bathrooms, gold-rimmed plates, even a gold-plated toilet rumor that refuses to die. Cut to a recent rally clip where Trump, off the cuff, mused about “making the White House beautiful again – maybe some gold accents, very classy, the best gold.”

“Classy?” Colbert deadpanned, clutching his chest. “Sir, the White House was built in 1792. It has survived wars, assassinations, and Andrew Jackson. It does not need a midlife crisis makeover from the guy who once sold steaks at Sharper Image.”

But the real kill shot came when Colbert pivoted to Trump’s latest economic brainwave: stretching home mortgages out to half a century.

“Picture this,” Colbert said, pacing the stage like a prosecutor about to drop the hammer. “You’re 35 years old, you finally save up for a down payment, you buy your little starter home… and your loan doesn’t get paid off until 2075. 2075! That’s the year we’re supposed to have flying cars and colonies on Mars, and instead your great-grandchildren are getting dunning letters because you wanted stainless steel appliances.”

He let the laughter die down, then went in harder.

“Fifty years! That’s longer than most dictators stay in power. That’s longer than the Soviet Union lasted. You could literally be born, live an entire biblical lifespan, die, and your estate is still getting foreclosure notices because Grandpa wanted a three-bedroom in the suburbs.”

Colbert then painted the dystopian picture that had Twitter (sorry, X) losing its collective mind: “Imagine the family reunion in 2068. Little Timmy asks, ‘Grandma, why do we keep sending money to Wells Fargo?’ And Grandma sighs, ‘Because your great-great-grandpa thought granite countertops were worth indentured servitude for five generations.’”

The host saved the cruelest cut for last. Holding up a photoshopped image of the White House with Trump’s face on every column and gold leaf dripping off the roof like cheap icing, he delivered the knockout:

“So let me get this straight, Donald. You want to coat the people’s house in the tackiest possible metal while simultaneously trapping the people in half-century debt so they can afford houses that will look like sad little cardboard boxes next to your gilded palace. That’s not a policy proposal. That’s the plot of a Batman comic where the villain’s name is literally ‘Rich Jerkface McBankrupt.’”

The crowd erupted. Even the band couldn’t keep it together.

Beneath the jokes, though, Colbert slipped in a darker point that’s resonating far beyond the studio. In an America where homeownership already feels like a fairy tale for anyone under 40, extending mortgages to 50 years isn’t “thinking outside the box” – it’s admitting the box is on fire and handing people a 500-month payment plan to live inside the ashes.

As Colbert put it: “This isn’t making the American Dream more accessible. This is turning the American Dream into a timeshare presentation run by a guy who files for bankruptcy the way the rest of us file our taxes.”

The monologue ended with Colbert staring dead into the camera, voice dropping to that half-serious register he saves for when the jokes stop being jokes.

“Donald Trump wants to live in a gold White House while the rest of us are locked into mortgages longer than the average human lifespan. That’s not leadership. That’s what happens when King Midas gets a real-estate license and a severe allergy to the concept of shame.”

The clip went viral within minutes. By morning, “50-Year Mortgage” was trending alongside crying-laughing emojis and memes of Trump as a golden Pharaoh demanding interest payments from the afterlife.

Love him or hate him, when Stephen Colbert smells blood in the water, he doesn’t just go for the jugular – he redecorates it in garish gold trim and finances it over half a century.