In a move that shocked both Wall Street and daytime television addicts, Disney has officially sold ABC for a staggering $20 billion. The identity of the buyer, initially kept under wraps, was revealed this morning as billionaire hedge fund magnate and part-time conspiracy theorist Franklin D. Blunderhorn III. His first executive decision? Pulling the plug on The View — with extreme prejudice.
“Look, I didn’t spend $20 billion just to babysit a table full of caffeinated aunties shouting over each other like it’s Thanksgiving dinner at the end of the world,” Blunderhorn declared at a press conference held at a gas station for reasons no one fully understands. “The View is like watching a group text fight come to life. It’s not television. It’s psychological warfare.”
Joy Behar, longtime co-host and eternal voice of “Well, actually…” responded to the cancellation with uncharacteristic calm, saying, “I’ve survived seven co-hosts, three producers, and two apocalypses. I’ll be fine.” Meanwhile, Whoopi Goldberg was reportedly spotted loading a suspiciously large duffel bag into a U-Haul van labeled “Plan B.”
The show’s cancellation was announced via a fax sent in all caps to ABC’s New York office. It read simply:
“THE VIEW IS DEAD. LONG LIVE SILENCE.”
It was signed with what appeared to be a coffee ring and a smudge of what forensic analysts later confirmed was barbecue sauce.
Blunderhorn says he has grand plans for ABC, now rebranded “Always Blunderhorn Content,” including shows like Extreme Budget Yachting, America’s Next Top Billionaire, and a reboot of Walker, Texas Ranger, but starring a Golden Retriever. “It’s time to make television weird again,” he said while sipping kombucha from a goblet shaped like Elon Musk’s head.
Industry insiders are torn on the move. Some call it visionary. Others call it a cry for help wrapped in a business transaction. One anonymous network executive commented, “He may be crazy, but he’s crazy with a checkbook the size of Delaware.”
As for The View, there are rumors it may be picked up by a pirate livestream channel based out of international waters, where FCC regulations—and dignity—no longer apply.
Until then, millions of Americans will just have to find somewhere else to witness unfiltered arguments about Taylor Swift, vaccines, and sandwiches.
Truly, the end of an era. Or, depending on your taste in daytime TV, the beginning of healing.
