In what historians will one day record as the single most unhinged five minutes in advertising history, Jimmy Kimmel strolled onto the stage at the Disney Upfront presentation yesterday afternoon, microphone in one hand, ultrasound photo in the other, and made an announcement that caused every network executive in the room to choke on their $28 avocado toast.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” he began, deadpan, “my daughter Jane is pregnant. My first grandchild is due this November. And today, for one day only, the naming rights are officially open for bidding.”

The North Javits Center went silent for exactly 1.2 seconds, then erupted into the kind of chaos normally reserved for Beyoncé dropping an album.

Kimmel didn’t flinch.

“I’m serious,” he continued, holding up the grainy black-and-white sonogram like it was the Declaration of Independence. “Disney wants to own everything else; why not let them own the Kimmel bloodline too? We’re talking full legal name, birth certificate, monogrammed diapers, the works. Starting bid: one million dollars.”

A Disney+ executive in the front row immediately stood up and yelled, “One-point-five and we get to call the baby Grogu Kimmel!”

Kimmel pointed at him like he was on The Price Is Right. “Sold! …No, I’m kidding, Bob, sit down, that’s lowballing my gene pool.”

The bids started flying faster than a Star Wars lightsaber auction.

Hulu threw in two million for “Hulu Kimmel.”

ABC countered with three million and a lifetime supply of churros if they could name the child “Dancing With The Stars Kimmel.”

FX went nuclear: five million on the condition the baby’s middle name is “Fargo.”

Someone from National Geographic screamed, “Six million and we’ll name it Attenborough!”

Kimmel, now fully in his element, turned the stage into a full-blown livestock auction.

“Do I hear seven? Seven from the weird guy in the ESPN hat, seven million for ‘ESPN Ocho Kimmel,’ that’s a strong bid, very niche, I respect it. Eight? Eight from Marvel, eight million to name the child ‘Thanos Kimmel,’ interesting choice, very villain-forward, but I do like the snap energy.”

By the time the number hit ten million, the entire room had lost its collective mind.

Then Kimmel raised a hand and the place went dead quiet again.

“Alright,” he said. “You animals have forced my hand. New stipulation: the winning bidder doesn’t just get the first name. They get the entire name. First, middle, last, all of it. We will legally change the family name to whatever you want. That’s right. For the right price, my grandson will be Taco Bell Presents Crunchwrap Supreme Kimmel, brought to you by Pepsi.”

The bidding exploded past fifteen million in under thirty seconds.

At twenty million, Kimmel pretended to wipe a tear.

“This is beautiful,” he said. “I came here today thinking I was just going to plug my show, but now I’m about to become a walking billboard and my unborn grandson is going to have a name that requires a trademark symbol.”

Finally, a voice from the back of the room shouted, “Twenty-five million and the child’s name is simply… Disney.”

Kimmel froze.

The room froze. Even the waitstaff stopped mid-pour.

Kimmel looked at the ultrasound photo, then at the crowd, then back at the photo.

He slowly brought the mic to his lips.

“Sold.”

The place detonated. Champagne corks popped. Grown adults in $5,000 suits were hugging and crying. Someone started a “Disney Kimmel!” chant that lasted a full minute.

Kimmel waited for silence, then dropped the hammer.

“Of course I’m kidding,” he deadpanned. “My daughter would murder me in my sleep. Also, Jane literally just texted me ‘touch the name and you die.’ The kid’s name is already picked and it’s normal and boring and perfect.”

He held up his phone so the jumbotron could show Jane’s actual text: a knife emoji followed by “I will end you.”

The room howled.

“But!” Kimmel shouted over the laughter, “in the spirit of capitalism, I am proud to announce that for the low, low price of twenty-five million dollars, the Jimmy Kimmel Live! delivery-room camera package is now officially sponsored by Disney+. So yes, the first photos of little Disney Not-Actually-Disney Kimmel will be streaming exclusively on Disney+ the second he takes its first breath.”

He took a bow as the entire arena gave him a standing ovation.

Backstage afterward, reporters caught up with a beaming Kimmel.

“Was any of that real?” one asked.

“Every word,” he grinned. “Except the part where I’d actually sell my grandchild’s name. The rest? Pure profit.”

When asked what the real name will be, Kimmel winked.

“You’ll see in November. But I’ll give you a hint: it’s not Grogu.”

As of this morning, #DisneyKimmel is the #1 trending topic worldwide, Jane Kimmel has disabled comments on all social media, and Disney stock is up 3%.

Only in America can a man turn his future grandson into a multi-million-dollar meme in under five minutes and still make it home in time to read Goodnight Moon.

Congratulations, Jimmy. You absolute maniac.