Let’s be real—if a zombie apocalypse broke out tomorrow, some of us would thrive, turning into fearless survivors like Daryl Dixon or Michonne. Others would be the first ones to go, tripping over a tree root and getting eaten before the opening credits roll.
And then there’s me.
I’d like to think I’d be a badass survivor, swinging a katana like Michonne or leading a group like Rick Grimes. But deep down, I know the truth—I would have been walker food from the start.
If you’re anything like me, you might relate. So let’s break it down: why exactly wouldn’t I survive The Walking Dead?
1. I Have No Survival Skills. Like… None.
Let’s start with the obvious. If you dropped me in the woods with no Wi-Fi, no snacks, and no idea how to make a fire, I’d be in trouble before I even saw a walker.
🔹 Do I know how to build a shelter? Nope.
🔹 Can I hunt for food? Only if it comes pre-packaged from a grocery store.
🔹 Am I capable of identifying edible plants? Not unless Google is still working.
Survivors like Rick, Daryl, and Carol have instincts. They know how to track, hunt, and make smart decisions. Me? I’d be the one accidentally eating poison berries and dying a painfully stupid death.
Honestly, it wouldn’t even take a walker bite to take me out.
2. I’m Way Too Loud for This Life
You ever notice how the people who survive in The Walking Dead are quiet, sneaky, and stealthy?
Meanwhile, I:
Trip over literally everything.
Gasp audibly whenever I’m scared.
Sneeze like a foghorn.
Talk to myself out loud without realizing it.
Walkers are attracted to sound. The second I step on a crunchy leaf at the wrong moment? Game over.
And let’s not forget that in every zombie show or movie, there’s always that one person who makes a noise at the worst time—like screaming in a hiding spot or dropping a weapon. Yeah… that’d be me.
3. Cardio? Never Heard of It.
If you want to survive in The Walking Dead, you better be able to run. Walkers may be slow, but they don’t stop. They keep coming until they catch you.
And me? I get out of breath running up a flight of stairs.
Imagine being chased by a horde of walkers, weaving through trees, sprinting for your life—yeah, I’d last about 30 seconds before I collapsed in a wheezing mess.
Rick and his group can run for miles. I can run for a minute, maybe two, before I start questioning my life choices. At that point, I might as well just sit down and let them take me.
4. I Would Absolutely Trust the Wrong People
You know what’s even more dangerous than walkers? People.
One of the biggest lessons in The Walking Dead is that humans are often worse than the undead. You have to be smart about who you trust.
Me? I’d probably end up trusting the first Governor/Negan-style villain I met.
“Oh, you have a safe community with free food? Sounds amazing! I’m in!”
Two days later: “Wait, you murder people for fun? This is awkward.”
Characters like Carol and Daryl see through deception. Meanwhile, I’d be waving at the first stranger I saw, just begging to get backstabbed.
5. Weapons? What Weapons?
To survive in The Walking Dead, you need to be good at using some kind of weapon—whether it’s a gun, a knife, or even a crossbow.
Rick has his Colt Python.
Daryl has his crossbow.
Michonne has her katana.
Me? I have… a frying pan?
Let’s be honest—I’ve never held a real weapon in my life. If I tried using a crossbow, I’d probably miss every shot. If I had a katana, I’d somehow manage to cut myself before I even fought a walker.
Basically, I’m unarmed and completely useless in a fight.
6. I Would Have Stayed in Atlanta… And We Know How That Ended
Remember season 1 of The Walking Dead? Rick and his group were smart enough to leave Atlanta, realizing the city was completely overrun.
Me? I’d be way too attached to city life.
“I can’t leave! What if Wi-Fi comes back?”
“Maybe the government will fix this!”
“I think I’ll just wait here and see what happens.”
Yeah, we all know what happened to everyone who stayed in the city. Spoiler alert: they became walkers.
7. I’d Be the First One to Get Bit
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how strong or smart you are—all it takes is one bite.
And let’s be real—I’d get bitten immediately.
Maybe I’d reach for a can of food and get grabbed from behind.
Maybe I’d trip while running and land right into a walker’s mouth.
Maybe I’d try to save someone and end up sacrificing myself for no reason.
However it happens, one thing is clear: I wouldn’t last long.
Final Verdict: I Would 100% Be Walker Food.
Some people are built for the apocalypse. They’re tough, resourceful, and always one step ahead of danger.
Me? I’d be the cautionary tale, the one who dies early so others can learn a valuable lesson.
Maybe I’d be like Noah—hopeful and trying my best, but ultimately not fast enough.
Maybe I’d be like Sam—panicking at the wrong time and sealing my own fate.
Or maybe I’d just be Walker #47, shuffling around aimlessly while the real survivors carry on.
Either way, I know the truth: I wouldn’t make it past the first episode.
So, to all the people out there who think they’d totally survive a zombie apocalypse—I envy you. But as for me? Yeah, I’d be walker food from the start.
And honestly? I’ve made peace with that.
