While the rest of America was wrist-deep in brine buckets and family arguments, Stephen Colbert, America’s most dangerous late-night Catholic, did what no celebrity has ever dared: he went full undercover and spent six straight hours answering the official Butterball Turkey Hotline under the alias “Steve from Accounting.”
Butterball, thinking it was a harmless holiday prank cooked up by CBS PR, agreed to let him loose on the 1-800-BUTTERBALL line from 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. yesterday. They gave him one rule: “Do NOT tell callers it’s actually Stephen Colbert.” He lasted exactly seven minutes before breaking it.
The leaked audio (now going mega-viral with 28 million views in 12 hours) is pure, uncut mayhem.
Here are the greatest hits:
Caller #1 – Karen from Ohio, 9:12 a.m. Karen: “My turkey says ‘free-range’ but it’s still frozen solid. Is it lying to me?” Colbert: “Ma’am, all turkeys lie. That’s why we pardon one every year, guilt. Have you tried apologizing to it first? Sometimes they thaw out of spite.”
Caller #7 – Chad from Texas, 10:03 a.m. Chad: “How long do I cook a 22-pounder?” Colbert: “At 325? About four hours. Or until it achieves ego death and stops tweeting. Whichever comes first.”
Caller #19 – Grandma Dolores, 11:27 a.m. Dolores: “The recipe says baste every 30 minutes. I’m 84. I can’t keep getting up.” Colbert (dead serious): “Dolores, listen to me. You’ve earned the right to let that bird dry out. Tell your family if they wanted moisture they should’ve visited more often. Threaten to leave the house to the cat. Works every time.”
Caller #34 – Extremely stoned college sophomore, 12:41 p.m. Dude: “Bro… what if the turkey… is the friends we made along the way?” Colbert: “Then you’re vegetarian now, Dylan. Congratulations. Namaste. Put the phone down and hydrate.”
Caller #52 – Southern mom in full crisis, 1:19 p.m. Mom: “I dropped the turkey on the floor and the dog licked it for a solid minute!” Colbert: “Ma’am, that’s not a problem, that’s a feature. You now have a pre-seasoned, farm-to-table, organic dog-kissed turkey. Call it ‘Golden Retriever Glaze’ and charge your in-laws extra.”
Caller #68 – Conspiracy theorist from Idaho, 2:11 p.m. Guy: “Is the government putting trackers in Butterball turkeys this year?” Colbert: “Only the ones that voted early. Check the cavity for a mail-in ballot. If you find one from Michigan, run.”
The absolute pinnacle came at 2:47 p.m. when a panicked dad screamed that his oven exploded and the turkey was on fire. Without missing a beat, Colbert went full Jon Stewart-era rant:
Colbert: “Sir, this is the most American sentence ever uttered on Thanksgiving. Your turkey has achieved manifest destiny. It’s currently colonizing your kitchen. Evacuate the children, salute the flag, and play Springsteen at maximum volume. Godspeed.”
By 3:05 p.m. Butterball executives were begging CBS to pull the plug, but Colbert refused to leave the booth, screaming into the headset, “I have become Turkey Jesus and I will not be crucified before the cranberry sauce is served!”
Final tally:
112 calls handled
37 callers realized it was actually Stephen Colbert and simply started crying
19 asked for relationship advice instead of cooking help
One woman proposed marriage
Zero turkeys were harmed (okay, several were emotionally devastated)
Butterball’s official X account posted a single turkey emoji wearing sunglasses and the caption “We survived Steve.” Colbert, still in a triumphant Instagram selfie wearing a “Talk Line Turkey Slayer” apron covered in gravy stains, wrote:
“Best six hours of my life. America, you are deranged, beautiful, and your turkeys deserve better than us. Happy Thanksgiving from your friendly neighborhood Butterball operator. P.S. Karen from Ohio, your bird forgives you.”
The hotline’s call volume is still 400 % above normal today as people desperately try to get “Steve from Accounting” again.
Somewhere in America, a turkey is plotting revenge. And Stephen Colbert has never been more beloved.
