Conrad finally asks the woman he loves to choose him. It does not go well.

Lola Tung in ‘The Summer I Turned Pretty’ season 3, episode 7.Credit: Prime

Like they always say, the bachelorette party’s not over until the bride’s sobbing in a crumpled dress. (That’s what they always say, right?)

It’s three days until the wedding, and Belly’s (Lola Tung) voiceover insists she’s over last week’s bathtub incident with Conrad (Christopher Briney), despite that “all of a sudden, he can’t stop injuring himself.” Ha! Naturally, she’s thrilled when Jeremiah (Gavin Casalegno) arrives with party supplies (Smirnoff Ice, Takis Fuego, beer koozies, weed), followed by the rest of Team Jellyfish in hot pink penis headbands.

Anika (Sofia Bryant) immediately clocks how messy the group dynamics are and, despite finding Conrad attractive, agrees to steer clear.

Speaking of messy, Taylor (Rain Spencer) agrees to be Steven’s (Sean Kaufman) wingwoman for Denise (Isabella Briggs). You can tell how totes cool she is with this by the way she pulverizes the guac she’s stirring.

Isabella Briggs and Sean Kaufman in ‘The Summer I Turned Pretty’ season 3, episode 7.Prime

The groups split off to practice their reception dances, and OH NO IS BELLY GOING TO ROLL AROUND ON THE FLOOR IN HER WEDDING DRESS?

Taylor’s being a drill sergeant, but Belly and Anika are uninterested in going viral. In her defense, Taylor’s had a frustrating summer listening to her mother brag about that time she made out with Dave Matthews.

Denise watches the boys practice their routine in amused horror. Jere and Steven have moves, but Conrad is exactly the awkward dancer you knew in your heart he’d be.

Afterward, Jere tells Connie that he’s pretty much given up weed, not just because Belly doesn’t like it but because Adam (Tom Everett Scott) offered him a full-time job at Breaker, and he wants to stay sharp. (He’s going to finish his final classes online, which means he could’ve done that in Paris with Belly MY GOD.)

Conrad doesn’t read the room and scoffs at his brother’s quiet excitement at following in their dad’s footsteps. Jere also doesn’t read the room — or passively aggressively reads the room really, really well — and thanks Connie for taking care of the house and his girl that summer.

Gavin Casalegno and Christopher Briney in ‘The Summer I Turned Pretty’ season 3, episode 7.Prime

Before the bar crawl gets underway, Jere and Belly have a quick naked romp and agree to end the evening together on the beach. They also agree to take it easy on the booze and weed. Jere points out that being hungover on a boat is the worst, and Belly deadpans, “That might just be the whitest thing you’ve ever said.”

Naturally, their resolution immediately crumbles. The bartender gives Belly 10 (!!!) shots of tequila on the house, and she downs them rather than answering questions about which Fisher brother is bigger and/or better.

Several drinks later, Taylor tells Belly she wasn’t the one who got Laurel (Jackie Chung) on board, so when the equally tipsy boys bump into them, Belly asks Conrad if it was him.

He says he did because it was important to her, and this reminds her of the childhood promise Conrad made about sticking together after she lost track of time playing with the glass unicorn in one of the Cousins’ shops. He went back and got her the big unicorn for her birthday that year.

To drown out the memories, Belly asks for a weed gummy, and the girls grab Denise and head to a tiki bar. Our VC queen makes it clear that she’s not an “I don’t get along with other women” woman, and Taylor grudgingly admits that Denise is exactly the type she always expected Steven to dump her for. She encourages her to give a relationship with the elder Conklin a go.

Belly fails to dance away her memories of Conrad over the years — what did she expect when she’s shaking it to Ariana’s “We Can’t Be Friends (Wait for your Love)”? — and Taylor notices her distress and pulls her into the bathroom.

“He got me the big unicorn, and he got me my mom,” Belly chokes out, finally disclosing her unexpected reunion with Conrad last Christmas. But since nothing physical happened, Taylor tells her to bury that deep and maaaaaybe start winding the party down for the night.

Jere’s also getting sloppy and emotional, thanking Connie for taking care of him, then twisting the knife by saying it’s Belly’s job now. Conrad, the designated driver, is then stunned to overhear Jere’s bros talking about his hookup with Lacie.

By the end of the night, Jere’s passed out in bed, so it’s Conrad waiting for Belly in the lifeguard stand at the beach. But before we get to the “rip out your heart” portion of the episode, let’s check in with the parents.

Laurel’s furious that Adam brought Kayleigh (Emma Ishta) to the wedding until John (Colin Ferguson) points out that Laurel’s more upset about Susannah’s absence.

Tom Everett Scott and Emma Ishta in ‘The Summer I Turned Pretty’ season 3, episode 7.Prime

They reminisce about Laurel’s own bachelorette party, and she offers to repeat her strip club-inspired performance from that night. John doesn’t want a repeat of their post-hookup shame spiral, but when Laurel gives him a look, they lunge at each other. Good. For. Them.

Also, I’m just going to say it: being Adam’s mistress is a huge strike against her, obvi, but Kayleigh seems like a decent person who tries to push back against his worst behavior. Her biggest red flag at this point is still being with such a dick, frankly.

Lucinda (Kristen Connolly), meanwhile, is badgering Taylor about getting back together with Steven, and Taylor finally snaps that she doesn’t want to be needy and pathetic like Lucinda.

Steven’s on the verge of heading up to Denise’s room at the resort where the wedding guests are staying when he spots sad, drunk Lucinda alone at the bar. He sweetly escorts her to her room, and Denise is cool about it, bless her heart.

Okay, back to the beach. Conrad convinces Belly to sit with him for a bit as he works up the nerve to tell her about Jere and Lacie and Cabo. He’s horrified that she already knows and is marrying him anyway.

Christopher Briney and Lola Tung in ‘The Summer I Turned Pretty’ season 3, episode 7.Prime

Then he spills everything he’s been holding in. He still loves her, and he always will. He doesn’t understand why she’s getting married now, and at Adam’s country club. He takes responsibility for their breakup four years ago, saying he did it because he would have dragged her down into his misery, but Jere made her happy. And he hates himself almost as much as he hates his brother for being with her.

Belly tries to leave, but he begs her to listen as he lays it all out: “Don’t be with him. Don’t marry him. Be with me.”

She shuts him down immediately, shouting, “You and I were never anything.” She storms away, but the instant she’s out of sight, she crumples to the sand and sobs her heart out.

As Taylor (Swift, not Jewel — seriously, what is this show’s TS budget???) sings about rekindled flames, the camera pans over Jeremiah fully clothed and spread-eagle on the bed he was supposed to share with his fiancée, a shaken Belly curled up in bed next to Taylor, and Conrad disassociating like crazy on the beach.

This scene was essentially taken word-for-word from the book, and Chris Briney destroyed it in the best, most devastating way. Absolutely gutting work. And I’m almost scared to ask, but what fresh devastation does The Summer I Turned Pretty have in store for us in these last four episodes??

Kissin’ cousins corner

Sooooo many good lines this week, but I’m giving it to Conrad’s whispered “please don’t shock me” as he sticks a screwdriver into a light socket.
Anybody else worried that Steven and Denise’s clandestine work to get their new business off the ground is going to blow up in their faces during the wedding weekend?
Snaps to the writers for remembering that Jere’s bisexual (hey, ex-boyfriend Blake!) and that the Fishers have an aunt and a cousin. Sorry to hear you RSVP’d no, Julia and Skye!
In conclusion, somebody please check on Conrad.